This isn’t some, I heard it through the grapevine, type of rumor. No, this is fact. One of the few people mentioned above, was the one to inform me.

…

This person, along with the other individuals, do not believe I should remain a member, or regular attender, do to their own issues with me.

Now, what does this mean?

…

It means you are going to see me on Sunday morning, providing the inbound snow does not prevent it; as I have no intentions of leaving the church due to a few people’s own personal agendas.

I believe that I have every right to remain an active member, and leaving the church would only hinder my own personal growth in the Lord.

…

If any of those individuals are reading this, know one thing: I’m praying for you. I’m praying that you can find it possible to coexist with me, to forgive me for whatever wrong I may have done against you, and most of all, I’m praying that you may not be hindered by this in your own walk with God.

…

jeRemy.

P.S. The Lord is kinda awesome. In attempting to remove my car from my driveway, [ice-covered, car slipping-n-slidin'], I asked the Lord for help, as so I could go to work. The Lord answered, and as I stuck my car in reverse, my car obtained traction, and out of the driveway I was.

I haven’t slept more than an hour over the past 4 days, except when I pass out.

Passing out? Yeah. Literally, I’ll be walking from the kitchen to the livingroom, and I get dizzy, lose my balance, hit the floor, and wake up anywhere from 5 minutes to 6 hours later.

I’ve passed out like that about 6 times this week.

…

So, there’s that, and the fact I can’t do much of anything. I get winded walking up and down the stairs. Not good or usual at all.

…

I’m sorta fading, yet have this sense-of-peace about it.

It’s hard to explain.

…

I’m not even close to being myself. Not one bit.

It’s like I woke up one day, and poof, presto chango, I’m a shell of who/what I used to be.

…

I don’t know who I am, what I want to do, anything.

…

– JeRemy.

No. I didn’t sleep through New Years. As proof, look at the time I am writing this blog post.

…

That doesn’t mean however that I wasn’t tricked into believing I did.

Yes, this very feat happened. I thought I slept through New Years!

…

This morning, I fell asleep at about 5:00AM on the couch. Yes. You are reading that right, 5:00AM and on the couch.

I woke up at 8:00AM due to the sound of the TV [I had previously set up the TV to 'Wake Up' at 8:00AM, as I hate hate hate the standard sounds of alarm clocks.] and I had set the volume of the TV pretty high, so it would be sure to wake me.

So, well, 8:00AM came, and on the TV came. The channel had been set to channel 5, and therfore Good Morning America was being broadcast. I was awoken by the sound of fireworks!. Yes, Fireworks!

I awoke at the sound of this, and quickly looked at the TV, with the look of dismay, as I thought that I had just slept not only through work, but all of New Year’s Eve as well!

…

So, yes. I ‘slept’ through New Years.

Haha.

Silly me.

…

JeRemy.

They really don’t care.

…

I’m done with them. I’m likely done with New Hope as a whole.

It’s pointless.

…

JeRemy.

I really don’t.

Struggles are a part of everyday life, yes. There’s no good way to avoid them, and no pill to take to get rid of them.

I just wish there was a way to end my current ones.

…

I’m struggling with keeping my sanity. I’m struggling with making a decision of whether or not to leave the church. I’m struggling with dealing with certain people. And I’m struggling under all this insane pressure. And it often appears that I’m just going to collapse.

Is it not obvious that maybe I need a little bit of help?

…

Where are my friends? And why don’t they just help me to get my mind off of things?

Not in my line of sight, apparently.

I understand that everybody has their own life to live, and that nobody in their right mind should be dedicated to helping somebody else live theirs to the point it causes conflict.

But, sometimes it’s the simple stuff that you really don’t notice are missing, until you need them, that really get me.

Has the idea of friendship been lost on people?

What has happened to the idea of a simple message of “Hey JeRemy, I just wanted to say that I was thinking about you.” or even a simple gesture such as attempting to take up a seat next to me.

I hate to say it, but sometimes, it would appear these friends of mine, conveniently forget how to be a friend when it matters the most.

Now, this isn’t a post to yell at everybody, because there are a few people out there that genuinely care, but don’t know what to say, or do, and therefore do nothing, and I get that.

…

I’m sorry if it seems unfair. But this is the way I’m feeling.

I can’t help but feel this way.

My friends need to put up or shut up.

- JeRemy.

Yesterday was Christmas, and it was a pretty darn good one, considering everything that’s been going on recentely.

…But wait! This is starting to sound like a “happy” entry, JeRemy! This can’t happen! No! No! NO!…

Hmm. Maybe it is. But you know what? I’ve had a lot of happy-style moments over the last 2 days. Heck. Having one would pretty much cover the amount I’ve had the last 3 weeks or so.

1) I’ve gotten to be social. This was a big thing for me. Being social is a big part of my favorite activities list, so yeah. I was happy about that.

2) Footprints poem. Great great stuff. Thanks again, Sturgeons!

3) The hug. I got a hug at the candlelight service, that just made me laugh. One of those, “I didn’t expect you to hug me, and you hugged me, and normally I’d be worried, but it’s so darn amusing, and well..thanks…” kind of hugs.

4) The party. MORE socializing. Oh yeas.

5) The Food. Dinner. Peeps. Good food. Good peeps. Good night overall. Thanks to the Newmans, again!

Yeah. So. There ya have it.

- JeRemy.

Afterward, I got the usual congratulatory, “Good job.”; which usually to me, I usually hear as “Hey! You didn’t screw up, so it kinda worked.”

…

What really started my frustration going again, was 1) For some unbeknownst reason, I got drymouth about 10 minutes prior to showtime. I hadn’t taken my meds all day, [kinda sorta because I lost them Saturday night while out and about at the Taubl concert and Denny's], so that was ruled out. 2)  I am/was extremely tired, partly due to the 2 hours I spent trying to remove my car from my driveway this morning, the fact I only got 3 hours of sleep, and that I shoveled the walkway of the church before the play. 3) For yet another unbeknownst reason, it seemed as if a few people would rather have not been there, or rather I wasn’t there. Yeah, I know in this day and age, people tend to have issues with just about everybody; but come on, we are supposed to be there as a congregation giving Glory to God, and trying to get the message of the true meaning of Christmas out.

So yeah, I was frustrated by those fairly intensely, but not so much that I couldn’t handle it.

…

But, now, I’m still left wondering about who actually care, and who say they care. Questioning who my friends are is seemingly becoming pattern in my life. And yet again, I hate it.

…

Oh, and there is one person, and you know who you are, what was with the “I’m just going to ignore you.” look and actions? Seriously, grow up! I’m kinda tired of you doing it. Get it? Got it? Good.

…

So in a nutshell, after yet another night, I’m still frustrated, and still feeling alone.

JeRemy.

First of all, my name is JeRemy, and my life is complicated.

This is where Complexitivity comes from.

Anything I do, seems to be complex so therefore we get complexitivy.

In my life recently, I’ve had reasons to be stressed and frustrated.

…

My stepfather was convicted of a crime that he didn’t commit, and it’s taken a toll on both myself, and my mom.

And people expect me to be this incredibly strong person supporting my mom, and right now, I just want to let go, and get away.

I don’t get why people can’t understand that.

And then of course, my friends are non-existant through this time. Not even a phonecall.

Am I that unimportant in their lives?

I’ve been there for a lot of my friends, and they can’t return the favor. It makes me wonder why I consider them my friends, and why I would be there for any of them if they needed me.

It frustrates me beyond belief.

I’m questioning everything now, if one person says this do they really mean that?

Who really knows anymore.

…

It seems that people just don’t generally care about me.

I hate this feeling of being alone.

Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

- JeRemy.